"I drove to the best cheese shop in Ina's town, but they saw that I was driving a Scion, so they wouldn't wait on me. Since I couldn't get really "good" cheese, I thought "Why bother?" and I drove my car off a cliff. I'm writing this from beyoooond the graaaaave. OoooOOOooooOOOOoooooo!

"Do I use a knife and fork to eat this? Do I swallow it whole? Do I grind it into a powder and snort it? Please help! I don't want to look foolish in front of my guests!

"I love this recipe for - wait a minute... LATE NIGHT Bacon? But I made it in the morning! Aw crap, looks like I screwed up another Food Network recipe. I guess I'll throw out my microwave and start over. And this time I'll make it late at night. Thanks, Rach!

"My husband loves canned peas. Every time I open up a can of them I have to hold my breath, because they smell like a urine-soaked subway car. Can I substitute bacon for peas? I'd appreciate a revised recipe explaining to me how to combine butter and bacon in a pot. And please keep it simple, Paula. None of these 3 ingredient recipes that a home cook can't possibly tackle.

"My husband loves canned peas. Every time I open up a can of them I have to hold my breath, because they smell like a urine-soaked subway car. Can I substitute bacon for peas? I'd appreciate a revised recipe explaining to me how to combine butter and bacon in a pot. And please keep it simple, Paula. None of these 3 ingredient recipes that a home cook can't possibly tackle.

"If you're that lazy, just buy the d*mn truffles.